Sunday, August 2, 2009

Above Northwestern

I feel like a social pariah at Northwestern. Take note that I didn't say that I AM a social pariah, but I am not. But the feeling that I am is more important to me. It's obvious that I don't share similar backgrounds with most of the students, and that I'm also a rare commidity because i'm a black male thats not an athelete. These two factors do play a big role in the reason I feel that way. But its not the only reasons.
I think Northwestern is place full of ambitious driven individuals. When I use those adjectives I'm sure a host of positive associations come to mind. But those attributes have their drawbacks, which contribute to my feelings of being an outkast. So I'll list the ones that don't work for me.

Northwestern students are so driven it seems personal relationships fall by the wayside. I can count on one hand the people I could contact if I really needed something and they would be able to help. Now I can count on prolly all my fingers and toes the people that would want to help, but because of their rigourous pursuit of excellence they would let my need fall to the way side. Its all to common to have friends miss lunches, dinners, hangouts, parties, birthdays...and all that good stuff, because they are busy. Now I'm usually cool with it because I understand the urge to acheive at high levels but its still really difficult to maintain strong relationships with friends. Now I really value relationships because when I die, all the riches (and their will be plenty ;) won't matter to me. What will matter to me will be the relationships I have in life and the experiences that I can look back on, and if I'm really blessed hopefully both of those will work together.

Northwestern students have a different lens through which they view the world. I too see the world through this lens, but through many others as well because I've seen many of the roads that can be taken in life. Believe me "The road less traveled" is reallly just road that is less maintained and the many people that do travel it don't have a choice at the fork. So many Northwestern students have this intellgience that blinds them from being able to accept the harsh realities that so many other individuals are forced to deal with everyday. I withdraw from people with these attitudes which in turn has me seen in this light where I've been told that I think i'm Above Northwestern. Now I don't think i'm above Northwestern nor do I think i'm above students who are sheltered, privileged, spoiled, closeminded etc. I respect those individuals for their point of view and I realized that their blessed to be able to live that way. I do believe that I see and interact with the world on a different level. I do believe I can see situations from several points of view. And yes I do avoid interactions with ignorance and alot of times the sheltered point of view is often ignorant...but that doesn't mean that I think i'm better than anyone. It just means I've learned confronting ignorance directly is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Some people take it upon themselves to try and educate those who they feel are ignorant but I don't feel that it is my place, so I reserve myself around those who act that way. I may be wrong but I whole heartedly beleive Life is the best teacher for that kind of Ignorance I experience at Northwestern. Why? because instead of trying to be above someone and try to teach them about privilege and social status....I realize that being completely surrounded by the circumstance themselves will give them no other choice but to see the pov of someone else.

I love Northwestern though its honestly given me exposure to a world thats so much bigger than Augusta GA. And to anyone who's ever thought that I see myself as being above them or NU, take the time to talk to me, its a good chance that are missunderstanding is just another road that less maintained.

Why I don't Blog

So I used to have a blog. It was like a good five to seven years ago. It was webpage called open diary dot com, which as I mention now is kinda of soft. Anyway I updated it everynow and again to express my thoughts and feelings. Its amazing to me lookin back over those entries how different my priorities are from then. Especially the way I interacted with women. Definitely some things I miss but most of it I'm glad I grew out of.
Now the blog was completely based on my attempt to connect with women through expressing this poetic emotional side that I thought would seperate me from most of my male peers. Now my ability to display deep analyitical thought was very cool to me. But all the mushiness....well lets just say that was not the move....

Anyway I guess I always associated bloggin with the emotional sappiness of open diary.

Blogs are also really tricky because their really open, and I'm a person who self edits constantly. Unless ur close to me then I speak with unhibited candor about any random topic that manifests its self in my mind.

And so now the reason I've decided to blog. Honestly some time ago I realized I'm holding myself back from reachin my full potential by not fully expressing myself with people. I really feel like its this gift to communicate with people that i'm not using...So bloggin is just one of the many tools i'm using to coerce this potential into manifesting it's self. We'll see....Hate to let a decent brain go to waste....