I used to write love letters every other day in high school. It's like I had this endless stream of words and metaphors for any girl that inspired me. After my first love It became really hard for me to express myself. I stopped writing poetry. I didn't write love letters either. I actually lost interest in being in touch with that side of myself. But it turns out what I lost in that first relationship was so much larger than love letters.
With my most recent relationship failure I began to wonder how difficult am I to love. Actually it made me think how easy am I to hate. I've become this cynical sarcastic shell of my former self. And for so long I blamed it on heartbreak until there it was very clear I had to blame myself. I've worked so hard to be detached from my emotions, I detach myself from those who love me.
So it's back to love letters. I'm getting back in touch with my ability to love purely and openly. Because despite the pain I felt with my first when it all fell apart. The pain of loving someone and them not believing in your love is much worse.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages
I'm alone.
The light of dawn is sneaking through my blinds. My sleep seems to last as long as the time it takes to blink my eyes. I haven't eaten a real meal in days. I step out into the crisp spring morning air at 5:30 am, not able to sleep I go for a jog. Hoping maybe I'll run away from the pain. Maybe I'll run back to Georgia. Maybe I'll run until my last breath.......Eventually my body gives out...I collapse against the brick wall. On the other side of the wall lies a cemetary. How ironic. Eventually I gain enough strength to walk home. My bodies exhaustion distracts me from the pain but still
I'm alone
Guess the run didn't do much. With each step I only thought of how deeply I loved her. And with each inhale, I felt her slipping away as I exhaled. The best love I had ever shared with someone was present but our union was the past. And no matter how fast I ran towards my future she wouldn't be in it.
7:00 am guess I'll head to work early. Drown out my pain with work. But work doesn't offer much of an escape. My mind drifts. The toughest part about this loss is the fact that I'm responsible for it. I'm so angry with myself. How'd did I allow it go this far? I'm an intuitive person how did I not see this coming? Why did I do that? But no answer will provide the solution to my problem. Only time. The hours pass, the endorphins from my morning exercise fades away, and I'm left in my cubicle alone with my thoughts. Youtube clips of standup used to make me smile, eventually turn to Jayz Song Cry on Repeat
"Never in bunches, just me and you
I loved your point of view cause you held no punches
Still I left you for months on end
It's been months since I checked back in"
She was my best friend. I never cared much for Chicago but she was my rock, she made it all alright. How did I ever neglect her. Jay must be speaking directly to me. Took the words right out my head and heart. His words remind me of why I loved her. But they also reminded me of how I drove her away
"I understand why you want a divorce now
I can't let you know it, pride wont' let me show it
Pretend to be heroic, that just one to grow with
But deep inside a nigga so sick"
I sit back in my chair at work fighting tears back. Trying to maintain without my coworkers picking up on anything but the lyrics got me exposed. I find myself rushing to the streets to walk and release my stress. As I walk each verse hits a softspot in my heart, and then one lyric stops me dead in my tracks.
"They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever
And more forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever"
Forever I have to live with the fact that I made the wrong decisions that lead to me losing her. The irony is when I started dating her I just wanted to give her the love and passion I felt she deserved. I wanted to love her better than anybody did before. But now I"m just left with this powerful love, that's turned on me for neglecting the object of it's affection.
"Its fucked up girl"
I love hard and I love deeply. I dont' really rap, I used to do poetry in high school to ease the pain. So instead of expressing my feelings musically. I'll just scribble my thoughts on blank pages in an effort to fill the void. I'm sure I'll be ok one day. But now all I see are sleepless nights and drowsy days. Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages.
The light of dawn is sneaking through my blinds. My sleep seems to last as long as the time it takes to blink my eyes. I haven't eaten a real meal in days. I step out into the crisp spring morning air at 5:30 am, not able to sleep I go for a jog. Hoping maybe I'll run away from the pain. Maybe I'll run back to Georgia. Maybe I'll run until my last breath.......Eventually my body gives out...I collapse against the brick wall. On the other side of the wall lies a cemetary. How ironic. Eventually I gain enough strength to walk home. My bodies exhaustion distracts me from the pain but still
I'm alone
Guess the run didn't do much. With each step I only thought of how deeply I loved her. And with each inhale, I felt her slipping away as I exhaled. The best love I had ever shared with someone was present but our union was the past. And no matter how fast I ran towards my future she wouldn't be in it.
7:00 am guess I'll head to work early. Drown out my pain with work. But work doesn't offer much of an escape. My mind drifts. The toughest part about this loss is the fact that I'm responsible for it. I'm so angry with myself. How'd did I allow it go this far? I'm an intuitive person how did I not see this coming? Why did I do that? But no answer will provide the solution to my problem. Only time. The hours pass, the endorphins from my morning exercise fades away, and I'm left in my cubicle alone with my thoughts. Youtube clips of standup used to make me smile, eventually turn to Jayz Song Cry on Repeat
"Never in bunches, just me and you
I loved your point of view cause you held no punches
Still I left you for months on end
It's been months since I checked back in"
She was my best friend. I never cared much for Chicago but she was my rock, she made it all alright. How did I ever neglect her. Jay must be speaking directly to me. Took the words right out my head and heart. His words remind me of why I loved her. But they also reminded me of how I drove her away
"I understand why you want a divorce now
I can't let you know it, pride wont' let me show it
Pretend to be heroic, that just one to grow with
But deep inside a nigga so sick"
I sit back in my chair at work fighting tears back. Trying to maintain without my coworkers picking up on anything but the lyrics got me exposed. I find myself rushing to the streets to walk and release my stress. As I walk each verse hits a softspot in my heart, and then one lyric stops me dead in my tracks.
"They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever
And more forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever"
Forever I have to live with the fact that I made the wrong decisions that lead to me losing her. The irony is when I started dating her I just wanted to give her the love and passion I felt she deserved. I wanted to love her better than anybody did before. But now I"m just left with this powerful love, that's turned on me for neglecting the object of it's affection.
"Its fucked up girl"
I love hard and I love deeply. I dont' really rap, I used to do poetry in high school to ease the pain. So instead of expressing my feelings musically. I'll just scribble my thoughts on blank pages in an effort to fill the void. I'm sure I'll be ok one day. But now all I see are sleepless nights and drowsy days. Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages.
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