Or Maybe I'm Just Growing Up

Lately in my head i've been struggling with a lot of questions about what I'm doing with my life. I've been trying to develop short term and long term goals to shape and structure my ambition. One of my recent problems was I reacting to life. Living from moment to moment without any true personal goals. Eventually I had to stop and ask myself who and what I was living for. I have the opportunity to do so much more in life if I just focus. But as I've been thinking throgh all this stuff I've realized alot about how different my life is from I last felt I had a firm grasp on my future which was when I was 18 and heading to college. So here are the main struggles i've been facing.

The things I used to do just don't entertain me like they used to. Things have gotten old to me in a lot ways. I struggle to find the same satisfaction in activities that used to take so much of my time. Honestly I don't find inspiration in same places either. Have I changed? I have to ask myself. Or maybe I'm just growing up.

All my relationships have gotten more complicated. Nothing has a simple answer anymore. My actions results in a variety of consequences. My goals are not as easy to attain. Many times Its not even clear to me what I want.

It used to be that I could I easily find the solutions to the challenges I face in life, but lately I feel like all my solutions just lead to another problem. Especially with my relationships with people. I can give my friends the best advice in the world. But when it comes to my life I have no clue what to do.

My dad told me that I really need to think about rather I'm setting unrealistic goals for myself at this point in my life. And the truth is, I am. I've accomplished a lot but haven't really felt any sense of satisfaction for a while now. It's just my dreams are so big. And sometimes I can't sleep at night because of all the ideas swirling around in my head. My spirit is thirsty for something i'm not providing. The potential is there but not the inspiration. Is that a part of growing up. A constant hunger in your soul for something more. My uncle said my mind is sound but my spirit is wondering right now. It really stuck with me because I used to be so passionate about everything. Yet lately I don't feel that same passion. I'm just constantly In Search of. But I guess I have to realize I'll never be that 18 year old again. I just want that fire back in my soul.

To Be Continued

Whats Good! Life has taken a new direction for our young hero. I've recently relocated to a new city and i'm starting a new job soon. It's crazy thinking how just a month ago I was struggling to decide when to put the pieces in motion to make this move. I literally make moves and when I put my mind to something it happens plain and simple. But enough about that because it's the past and a past i'm eagerly anticipating leaving behind me as soon as possible. I don't advocate running from your problems but sometimes you have to pack all yo *hit and get out of a situation if it isn't working for you.

So as my life takes this new direction I'm hoping I become more consistent with my blogging. Writing is going to be key to me achieving my goals so I have to become really consistent with my writing.

I wasn't intending on sharing a fully thought out post due to the hectic nature of my life at the moment. But as things settle so will my thoughts. I've been doing a lot of traveling lately so I'm taking these days before I start work to truly settle into Atlanta. It takes a while to adjust to a new home and everything. Stories to follow soon.........

Sincerely Chicago

In my college entrance essay I remember writing that "Northwestern was the place I envisioned myself growing into the adult I wanted to be." What I really meant was that Chicago was the place I wanted to be when I became an adult. I really didn't know all that meant or everything that encompassed but I meant it.
5 years later I'm spending my last day in Chicago and I can't help but acknowledge despite my struggles with Chicago, It has made me into the man I am today. The winters were harsh but they made me stronger mentally. The cops harrassed me but It forced me to be more clever than them. The locals had attitudes but I learned how to earn their respect. The city was more expensive but I learned how to manage wealth. The lifestyle was fast but I kept pace and made moves. With every negative experience in Chicago I managed to make an opportunity for growth. Growth into the man I am today.
The first three months here I used to wake up and be so excited to be away from Georgia. Then I spent the next four years anticipating the day I could return home. Now that I sit here less than 24 hours from my return, its a bittersweet feeling that washes over me. I've built a life out here and now I'm leaving it all behind. As an adult Chicago has been all that I've known. I have to acknowledge the huge part it's played in my life. I'm fond of this city regardless of how I liked living here. I hope it continues to prosper and maybe one day one of my children can venture out here to find the knowledge and experience that will mold them into the adults they want to be.
I probably have had enough Chicago for one lifetime but I will miss my life here. I'll miss the woman I fell in love with. I'll miss my friends. I'll miss cruising by Lake Michighan on Lake Shore. I'll miss the skyline and all the parks downtown and throughout the city. I'll miss the 3 24 mexican spots in my neighborhood and all the great food. But now that i'm the man I envisioned 5 years ago, its time to pursue the dreams I had for that man as well. Thanks Chicago for making me into that man.

Ol Skool Music

Now I'm not writing this to bash the new school of music or anything. I love music in every form and genre, even country. But recently I've been going through some heartbreak and the music I've really connected with and that has eased my pain has been Ol skool music. Which got me thinking why? Shouldn't I be able to look towards my contemporary peers in R&B and vibe with them during this time. It turns out I can't. I mean there are few artists I can listen to Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Anthony David. But the number is few and far between. It's like everybody above the age of 25 stopped making music in the 90's.

As I've gotten older my relationships have only gotten more complicated. Which makes sense because so has life. It used to be so simple in High school I just decided I didn't like that person anymore and it was over. But After that, so many other things come into play once your in the real world and trying to manage a relationship. The issues that come between me and recent significant others have been so complicated. And it makes it so much more difficult to manage the break up. Because in the end I've always believed it would of worked if it wasn't for the complications. Some of these difficult issues, include distance, balancing work/life, families, money, other women etc. They can tear you apart from somebody quickly. Life can come between you and the person you love. And in the aftermath you sit back and have to accept that no matter how much you love somebody, life is a bitch and a jealous one at that. Ol Skool music addresses the complicated crossroads between love and live.

When I listen to music nowadays It's really all about what can you do for me, and if your not doing it for me then why am I with you. Or You did me wrong...whoo whoo whoo....But thats not the true spirit of Love. Love is about two souls trying to create harmony, a harmony which should extend to each of your lives. Ol skool music dove deep into the entire experience of love. Check out this Marvin Gaye (Just to Keep You Satisfied) Verse:

Oh and when we, woo, stopped the hands of time
You set my soul on fire, my one desire
Was to love you and think of you with pride
And keep you satisfied, oh baby oh baby
We could not bear the mental strain
Leave you, I laugh at men too
Now you see how much you hurt me
But if you ever need me, I'll be by your side
Though the many happy times we had
Can never really outweigh the bad
Oh I'll never love nobody like I loved you baby

Marvin talks not only about how he felt but how it effected his soul, his life. The love he had for this woman crept into every fiber of his being and every inch of his life. He was simply unhappy, the love he had was destroying him. Love and life can be complicated like that. The other thing is that Marvin exposes himself in this music. It's the good the bad and the ugly. Nobody's perfect even in love.

Today's music is too perfect. Artist don't really expose themselves, like they did in the ol skool. Because its just a song written by somebody else. The lyrics don't mean what they meant to Marvin. I mean listen to Chris Brown's "she ain't you" or Trey Songz "Holla if ya need me" it sounds pretty, but they ain't bout that life. You can almost hear Marvin crying on Just to keep you Satisfied.

I connect with the maturity and honesty of the ol skool music. Somehow the pain I feel is a less heavy because I know somebody felt it too. All the emotions I can't quite articulate I find in Marvin's lyrics. The raw quality of his music, feels like the rawness of my emotion and I just let all the pain flow through my system with the music.

New school music isn't for the lovers, its for the club and young love, cause that real shit will have you belting at the top of your lungs like Marvin:

"Oh I'll never love nobody like I loved you baby"

Love Letters

I used to write love letters every other day in high school. It's like I had this endless stream of words and metaphors for any girl that inspired me. After my first love It became really hard for me to express myself. I stopped writing poetry. I didn't write love letters either. I actually lost interest in being in touch with that side of myself. But it turns out what I lost in that first relationship was so much larger than love letters.

With my most recent relationship failure I began to wonder how difficult am I to love. Actually it made me think how easy am I to hate. I've become this cynical sarcastic shell of my former self. And for so long I blamed it on heartbreak until there it was very clear I had to blame myself. I've worked so hard to be detached from my emotions, I detach myself from those who love me.

So it's back to love letters. I'm getting back in touch with my ability to love purely and openly. Because despite the pain I felt with my first when it all fell apart. The pain of loving someone and them not believing in your love is much worse.

Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages

I'm alone.

The light of dawn is sneaking through my blinds. My sleep seems to last as long as the time it takes to blink my eyes. I haven't eaten a real meal in days. I step out into the crisp spring morning air at 5:30 am, not able to sleep I go for a jog. Hoping maybe I'll run away from the pain. Maybe I'll run back to Georgia. Maybe I'll run until my last breath.......Eventually my body gives out...I collapse against the brick wall. On the other side of the wall lies a cemetary. How ironic. Eventually I gain enough strength to walk home. My bodies exhaustion distracts me from the pain but still

I'm alone

Guess the run didn't do much. With each step I only thought of how deeply I loved her. And with each inhale, I felt her slipping away as I exhaled. The best love I had ever shared with someone was present but our union was the past. And no matter how fast I ran towards my future she wouldn't be in it.

7:00 am guess I'll head to work early. Drown out my pain with work. But work doesn't offer much of an escape. My mind drifts. The toughest part about this loss is the fact that I'm responsible for it. I'm so angry with myself. How'd did I allow it go this far? I'm an intuitive person how did I not see this coming? Why did I do that? But no answer will provide the solution to my problem. Only time. The hours pass, the endorphins from my morning exercise fades away, and I'm left in my cubicle alone with my thoughts. Youtube clips of standup used to make me smile, eventually turn to Jayz Song Cry on Repeat

"Never in bunches, just me and you
I loved your point of view cause you held no punches
Still I left you for months on end
It's been months since I checked back in"


She was my best friend. I never cared much for Chicago but she was my rock, she made it all alright. How did I ever neglect her. Jay must be speaking directly to me. Took the words right out my head and heart. His words remind me of why I loved her. But they also reminded me of how I drove her away


"I understand why you want a divorce now
I can't let you know it, pride wont' let me show it
Pretend to be heroic, that just one to grow with
But deep inside a nigga so sick"

I sit back in my chair at work fighting tears back. Trying to maintain without my coworkers picking up on anything but the lyrics got me exposed. I find myself rushing to the streets to walk and release my stress. As I walk each verse hits a softspot in my heart, and then one lyric stops me dead in my tracks.

"They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever
And more forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever"

Forever I have to live with the fact that I made the wrong decisions that lead to me losing her. The irony is when I started dating her I just wanted to give her the love and passion I felt she deserved. I wanted to love her better than anybody did before. But now I"m just left with this powerful love, that's turned on me for neglecting the object of it's affection.

"Its fucked up girl"

I love hard and I love deeply. I dont' really rap, I used to do poetry in high school to ease the pain. So instead of expressing my feelings musically. I'll just scribble my thoughts on blank pages in an effort to fill the void. I'm sure I'll be ok one day. But now all I see are sleepless nights and drowsy days. Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages.

Trials of a Know it All

I'm always accused of being a "Know it All". I know I can be guilty of this so I'm going to share some stories on this blog that were lessons in humility.

One summer during high school I attended Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University for a summer program. I was really conflicted about attending the program because at the time I was in a relationship. Even deeper than that It was my first love, so I was really stuck on staying home. I talked about it with my girlfriend and we agreed we wouldn't let the distance come between us. This was my first true relationship and I didn't think ANYthing could pull me from the commitment I shared with my girlfriend.

I was wrong.

Now I'm a guy who rarely gets the girl that catches everyone attention when she walks in the room. You know the type of woman that every dude snaps his neck around to catch a second view of. So when Nia (name change) stepped into breakfast on our first day of the summer program, I saw her, I pointed her out to my new found boyz, and I made a few comments about how my girl was just as bad then went back to focusing on food. I didn't think anything would come of it. So when she sat down at our table directly across from me, I have to admit I was little caught off guard. But I played it cool. I had a girl and no way she was interested in me.

The conversation we had was crazy. We cliqued right off top. We had similar if not shared interests in the same books, movies, music, dreams...etc. I knew instantly this would be my home girl for the rest of the summer. I felt mutual attraction but adolescent insecurities wouldn't allow me admit it.

The summer dragged on. Every night I spent on the phone talking to my girlfriend. I used to walk around singing Dru Hill 1st album all day. I even mailed HER a care package and I was the one away from home. I was SPRUNG. I just knew I wouldn't cheat on her. I actually promised myself I wouldn't. It meant a lot to me to be faithful. Plain and simple I thought I wouldn't cheat because I was in love.

I couldn't let my 1st true love be tarnished by cheating...

But as time passed I knew the connection with Nia was getting really deep. She was on my brain just as much as my girlfriend. I even caught myself about to call my girlfriend Nia on the phone. I had crazy internal conflict about what was going on but mostly I just denied it was serious. Even though the sexual attraction was swelling up inside us and every moment we spent together felt like it could explode at any moment . And then it did.....

I competed in this pageant that the summer program hosted (Mr. RIMS 2004, FYI!) and I WON! After the pageant was always a party and of course this is the party that had been hyped up all summer. So everybody was in their freshest attire. Because I won their were a few perks
for me so I partied like a king that night! I noticed after an hour at the party I hadn't seen Nia. I asked my homeboy where she was and he told " She been waiting for you all night". I was like What? quit playing. But sure enough when he pointed out a row of chairs on the wall, there she was, looking pretty damn good to be on the sideline. So I sat down with her for a while then she asked to dance. As we danced, it felt like everyone else disappeared and we were in own world. (And this was before I drank liquor so you know we was really vibin!) At one point I leaned in to ask her a question but she went left instead of right and...

WE KISSED!

The first one was an accident but the rest of the makeout session was not. After the party we went to our dorms. I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened. We continued hooking up for the next few weeks but each time we did something it was eating me up inside. I never imagined I would cheat on my girl, I definitely didn't think it would be consistent. My feeling for my girl never wavered but my feelings for Nia kept growing. Eventually I drove myself crazy enough that I had to stop talking to Nia for the rest of the program. At the end of the summer we got to go to Dallas and we briefly reconnected. A slow dance at the W hotel. But other than that I severed all ties with her for fear of damaging my relationship with my first.

Before we left Nia gave me this note. In the letter she told me about the amazing connection that she felt we had and how she had a man but nothing could keep her from me.

We both struggled to stay away from each other but the connection we shared kept pulling us back together.

I learned a very valuable lesson from that experience. Even though I thought I would never cheat, I had to accept that there is so much for me to learn about what qualities attract me to a woman. I tried to deny how I felt about Nia but the truth eventually came to light and when it did it was difficult to control. I thought I knew everything there was to know about how to be the best boyfriend possible but... I didn't. I just knew it would be easy to be faithful but... I wasn't. I'm never the guy that gets the baddest chick in the room but that summer... I was.