Trials of a Know it All

I'm always accused of being a "Know it All". I know I can be guilty of this so I'm going to share some stories on this blog that were lessons in humility.

One summer during high school I attended Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University for a summer program. I was really conflicted about attending the program because at the time I was in a relationship. Even deeper than that It was my first love, so I was really stuck on staying home. I talked about it with my girlfriend and we agreed we wouldn't let the distance come between us. This was my first true relationship and I didn't think ANYthing could pull me from the commitment I shared with my girlfriend.

I was wrong.

Now I'm a guy who rarely gets the girl that catches everyone attention when she walks in the room. You know the type of woman that every dude snaps his neck around to catch a second view of. So when Nia (name change) stepped into breakfast on our first day of the summer program, I saw her, I pointed her out to my new found boyz, and I made a few comments about how my girl was just as bad then went back to focusing on food. I didn't think anything would come of it. So when she sat down at our table directly across from me, I have to admit I was little caught off guard. But I played it cool. I had a girl and no way she was interested in me.

The conversation we had was crazy. We cliqued right off top. We had similar if not shared interests in the same books, movies, music, dreams...etc. I knew instantly this would be my home girl for the rest of the summer. I felt mutual attraction but adolescent insecurities wouldn't allow me admit it.

The summer dragged on. Every night I spent on the phone talking to my girlfriend. I used to walk around singing Dru Hill 1st album all day. I even mailed HER a care package and I was the one away from home. I was SPRUNG. I just knew I wouldn't cheat on her. I actually promised myself I wouldn't. It meant a lot to me to be faithful. Plain and simple I thought I wouldn't cheat because I was in love.

I couldn't let my 1st true love be tarnished by cheating...

But as time passed I knew the connection with Nia was getting really deep. She was on my brain just as much as my girlfriend. I even caught myself about to call my girlfriend Nia on the phone. I had crazy internal conflict about what was going on but mostly I just denied it was serious. Even though the sexual attraction was swelling up inside us and every moment we spent together felt like it could explode at any moment . And then it did.....

I competed in this pageant that the summer program hosted (Mr. RIMS 2004, FYI!) and I WON! After the pageant was always a party and of course this is the party that had been hyped up all summer. So everybody was in their freshest attire. Because I won their were a few perks
for me so I partied like a king that night! I noticed after an hour at the party I hadn't seen Nia. I asked my homeboy where she was and he told " She been waiting for you all night". I was like What? quit playing. But sure enough when he pointed out a row of chairs on the wall, there she was, looking pretty damn good to be on the sideline. So I sat down with her for a while then she asked to dance. As we danced, it felt like everyone else disappeared and we were in own world. (And this was before I drank liquor so you know we was really vibin!) At one point I leaned in to ask her a question but she went left instead of right and...

WE KISSED!

The first one was an accident but the rest of the makeout session was not. After the party we went to our dorms. I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened. We continued hooking up for the next few weeks but each time we did something it was eating me up inside. I never imagined I would cheat on my girl, I definitely didn't think it would be consistent. My feeling for my girl never wavered but my feelings for Nia kept growing. Eventually I drove myself crazy enough that I had to stop talking to Nia for the rest of the program. At the end of the summer we got to go to Dallas and we briefly reconnected. A slow dance at the W hotel. But other than that I severed all ties with her for fear of damaging my relationship with my first.

Before we left Nia gave me this note. In the letter she told me about the amazing connection that she felt we had and how she had a man but nothing could keep her from me.

We both struggled to stay away from each other but the connection we shared kept pulling us back together.

I learned a very valuable lesson from that experience. Even though I thought I would never cheat, I had to accept that there is so much for me to learn about what qualities attract me to a woman. I tried to deny how I felt about Nia but the truth eventually came to light and when it did it was difficult to control. I thought I knew everything there was to know about how to be the best boyfriend possible but... I didn't. I just knew it would be easy to be faithful but... I wasn't. I'm never the guy that gets the baddest chick in the room but that summer... I was.

White "Privileged " rappers

I have nothing against white rappers. I actually really appreciate and support the music Yelawolf produces but he’s the exception and not the rule. Music is an art form and so it’s really impossible to claim it as a black thing. It was birthed from our culture but as children do, hip hop went its own way. So I’m open to any artist that expresses themselves through quality music. The keyword is Quality. But I truly believe what gives an artist that “it” factor is the passion they have for what they do. That was one of the first things that made me fall in love with Hip-hop, rappers were so passionate about their music. So any white rapper that is passionate about his music and it comes through in his work I’m usually a fan of.

BUT here’s why I don’t usually vibe with white rappers.

When our children look back on Hip Hop it will tell story of black men during our era. And it won’t just tell a story about one black man. No Hip hop over the past few decades has presented artists who tell the story of every type of black man that’s live during this time. Some of us were gangstas, politicians, potheads, revolutionaries, moguls, models, martyrs etc. the list goes on. And many of your favorite rappers fits into several of those roles. Hip Hop connects us with their journey’s. Hip hop music tells us not just who the black man was but how he came to be who he was. Listening to Ready to Die, Illmatic, or Reasonable Doubt, you’ll come across plenty of stories that show success, failure, redemption etc. You receive a very intimate and detailed account of what being a black man in America is like through Hip Hop. I relate to these stories because so many of the challenges they face, I faced as well. Hip Hop was and still is (for now) my story. Hip Hop was more than just a leisurely activity or something that intrigued me. When times get rough Hip Hop had the words when I couldn’t speak, Hip Hop gave me ideas when I couldn’t think, Hip Hop inspired me when I was losing hope. Black men providing hope for other black men is one of the most beautiful things about Hip Hop. I really believe all hip hop heads are truly connected through this bond.

Which brings me to the white rapper. And maybe I should find a better adjective than white because I’m not talking about Eminem. I’m referring to the white rappers who do it just because. I find it hard to become fans of rappers who came into Hip hop because it sparked their curiosity or it was a way to rebel or to make money. Hip Hop isn’t an opportunity to bring people together for them. White rappers who throw their money and status to gain notoriety in the business. Their not telling stories, or really bringing anything substantial to the art form. And that really turns me off to their music because Hip Hop has offered me so much substance in my life. Some people will say well Gucci Mane doesn’t bring substance to the music. This is true, but there are black men who he represents and more importantly Hip hop is all he has. You may not like Gucci’s music but you have to respect the way he put everything into this art form.

The white rapper has plenty of other options besides rap.

Outside of the plight of the black male, Hip Hop music also has soul. I want to feel my music. I want my music to give me chills, shed tears, and make me laugh. I want to hear the soul of the artist in Hip Hop. Hip Hop has been the voice of the black male for so long. When society didn’t give a damn we could always lean on Hip Hip, to provide the voices of blacks males through the various struggles we’ve faced. White rappers definitely don’t provide any soul because when they want to say something, they don’t need Hip Hop to be heard.

Now I have nothing against white rappers, but this is why I’m not a fan of their music.

Let’s Discuss…..

Preferences

Somebody asked me the other day did I like light skin girls more than dark skin girls. I hate that question because it implies prejudice on an issue that is preference. I like pretty girls over ugly girls. Thats my preference. But I'll kick it ugly girls all day. I'll even admit I've slipped up and kicked it too hard with some ugly girls. But I definitely didn't PREFER too. Hey I may judge her on the content of her character, but that don't mean i can't personally determine if she is attractive.

Everybody has their preferences of what they like. But rather than being so stuck on why some one doesn't prefer you, Pick someone else. They can't possible be that important if you two haven't got past the superficial stage of a relationship where physical appearance is the determining factor.

People have a real problem admitting they have dating preferences. No one is open to anything and everyone has patterns. It's easy to fall into dating the same type of people. There is a comfort that goes into it. But I always looked at relationships as personal growth opportunities. Finding someone who challenges me to be better. Relationships don't teach you, its the people you have relations with.

I say this to encourage people to date outside their comfort zones.

1. So my twitter feed can consist of less niggas ain't shit (no you prefer ain't shit niggas)

2. Because having an open heart and mind will attract someone with one as well.

As for preferences, either let it go or show a quality they prefer over physical appearance.

Waiting

Today I'm still waiting for the paycheck that was issued to me on January 14th but still hasn't reached my hands. I'm quite upset about it because uncertainty and money don't add up to reasonable decisions. Its one of those checks you really need too. So as you can imagine I'm angry enough to get real rude (to say the least). You know how you can think about a check all day long. Anyway it got me thinking about expectations. Like they EXPECT me to be to work on the first day on time and looking all spiffy. But I can't EXPECT to get paid on time. They EXPECT me be serious and dedicated to my work. But I can't EXPECT them to not play with my money. All I know is anything They EXPECTING too much as long I'm EXPECTING my check.

I wanted to this kick this blog back off with a really deep post but this check has been on my mind for the past five days. Spend all day thinking about cracking the mailbox open, and I get home and it's empty. Don't ever let anybody put your money in the mail. I never been a fan of several strangers touching my money before I do. Direct Deposit, Paypal, Cut a check or cold hard cash is allllllll good with me. But don't put no money in the mail because casually telling me when the money I worked for is in a place I can't get to until someone else decides to deliver it to me.......Is a recipe for pissing me off.

And ever time I find myself talking about it, It turns into threats. Cause you can't talk about missing money and not wanna whoop some ass. Everybody know that nigga that will fight over fifty cents (fyi 3 out of every 4 black folks is that person). You know when you save that last piece of cake you get home and somebody else eating it! Thats right! you wanna Bust that ASS... Same thing when money come up funny....

But real talk I need to calm down. Its really sad to think I won't let people make me angry because i don't want them to control me. But I'll easily succumb to the temptations of money.

The true lesson in all of this is, If you want your patience to really be tested Let somebody fuck with your money. Money comes and goes and learning to accept its nature provides you with the patience to endure in it's absence and the strength to focus in it's presence.

Patient but I still don't play about my money

Music

I'm sitting here listening to this Etta James song "A Sunday Kind of Love". Smooth and Honest piece of music. It amazes me how I can connect with a person in a moment that they had decades ago. Music does that. For a brief moment in time your completely captured by someone's voice, instrument, or verse. You understand what they say, you feel how they felt (or feel) and it inspires you. The melody and words provide comfort because now someone understands.

This is why I love music. What's there not to love. Music brings people together and keeps them there. You ain't going to no party without music, or any ceremony. It just seems like the event is empty and dry. Music may be in the background but it provides a comfort that can't be matched.

The weekend for the ages..

So this was an incredibly interesting weekend. I'm going to just briefly talk about the events that transpired and give my little two pieces.

First of Serena Williams goes off on that line judge for a foot fault that caused her the match at the US Open. Now I personally don't know what was said and if you aren't Serena Williams or the line judge you don't know what was said. So it's really some bull that all these people are really questioning her legacy. Sports are competitive, they get the blood flowing and in a situation where the game is on the line of course Serena spoke with some authority. Lets be real though, when a black women or men gets frustrated and expresses it, they automatically are threatening. Point. Blank. Period. I'm pretty sure that line judge has had some white folks talking out they ass about something and yet when Serena does it, it becomes a major headline and people began to question her legacy. She is human, she lost her mental edge, she lost the game...Her legacy is still incredible. The line judge couldn't have fit the stereotype better for the lil old frightened lady crying wolf on the big black person....

Next Kanye.....Well u all know what Kanye did, and it was hilarious in my opinion and this is why. First of all Kanye does this attention grabbing, fuck "THE MAN" type shit all the time. Kanye has always used the VMA's as a publicity tool. Kanye obviously does not give an effff about the VMA's and who really does. Its a cool event for the fans, but who the fuck defines their career about a VMA. Matter of fact if you are reading, Name four award categories or name the people who won them. Last time I checked the Rock and Roll hall of fame doesn't tabulate VMA awards. The VMA is a award show based on publicity for its entertainers and a way for MTV to get some ratings. Jay-z and Flo-Rida were nominated in the same category...wtf! VMA is about as useful an indicator for talent, as winning a karoake contest. Its entertaining to watch but its has no substance. Which brings to my point about Kanye, he doesn't seriously respect the VMAs, so he felt free enough to walk up on stage and say and do what the fuck he felt like doing. Now Taylor Swift deserves an apology, he didn't have to step in on her time, but had it been during another moment in the show I could have gave two f$#^....For reall... Its all about publicity...Somebody's making money off of this and its prolly Taylor Swift, Beyonce, MTV and yes....KANYE fawkin WEST. People need to stop acting surprised, Kanye has rarely acted like he has any more tact or emotional restraint then a child, especially concerning the VMAs...its nothing new people.

It could also have been staged, but even if it was, it would require the same asswhole mentally to actually do. Also who would orchestrate for a white woman to be upstaged by a black man to give props to a black woman...seems HIGHLY unlikely....but then again my president is BLACK!! LOL!

Michael Jordan is the best that ever played. He was inducted in the hall of fame and It was an incredible moment in black and American history. His will and work ethic will inspire not just basketball players but anyone working to be the best at what they do for generations to come. He exemplified in every way what it takes to be the best.

And finally Jay-z did a live benefit concert for the NYPD and NYFD. Crazy after all the trouble they put him through, he ends up helping them out. Maybe now, if he is ever confronted by the NYPD, he can make slight movements before getting shot fifty times or beat to within an inch of his life. But as far as the concert was concerned I saw it on FuzeHD, it was amazing but a few things...Mary J Blige is too old be singing all this catch a man cause i'm sexy shit...She need to sit down, and start singing some old school music, cause she's old school now. Beyonce's performance was just intimidating. WAY too much attitude.....diva is the definition of a thug ass Beyonce. Oh yeah Kanye did a few songs...He definitely acted like a damn grownup, why wouldn't he? A Jay-z concert is way more serious than the VMA's.


Holla!

Above Northwestern

I feel like a social pariah at Northwestern. Take note that I didn't say that I AM a social pariah, but I am not. But the feeling that I am is more important to me. It's obvious that I don't share similar backgrounds with most of the students, and that I'm also a rare commidity because i'm a black male thats not an athelete. These two factors do play a big role in the reason I feel that way. But its not the only reasons.

I think Northwestern is place full of ambitious driven individuals. When I use those adjectives I'm sure a host of positive associations come to mind. But those attributes have their drawbacks, which contribute to my feelings of being an outkast. So I'll list the ones that don't work for me.

Northwestern students are so driven it seems personal relationships fall by the wayside. I can count on one hand the people I could contact if I really needed something and they would be able to help. Now I can count on prolly all my fingers and toes the people that would want to help, but because of their rigourous pursuit of excellence they would let my need fall to the way side. Its all to common to have friends miss lunches, dinners, hangouts, parties, birthdays...and all that good stuff, because they are busy. Now I'm usually cool with it because I understand the urge to acheive at high levels but its still really difficult to maintain strong relationships with friends. Now I really value relationships because when I die, all the riches (and their will be plenty ;) won't matter to me. What will matter to me will be the relationships I have in life and the experiences that I can look back on, and if I'm really blessed hopefully both of those will work together.

Northwestern students have a different lens through which they view the world. I too see the world through this lens, but through many others as well because I've seen many of the roads that can be taken in life. Believe me "The road less traveled" is reallly just road that is less maintained and the many people that do travel it don't have a choice at the fork. So many Northwestern students have this intellgience that blinds them from being able to accept the harsh realities that so many other individuals are forced to deal with everyday. I withdraw from people with these attitudes which in turn has me seen in this light where I've been told that I think i'm Above Northwestern. Now I don't think i'm above Northwestern nor do I think i'm above students who are sheltered, privileged, spoiled, closeminded etc. I respect those individuals for their point of view and I realized that their blessed to be able to live that way. I do believe that I see and interact with the world on a different level. I do believe I can see situations from several points of view. And yes I do avoid interactions with ignorance and alot of times the sheltered point of view is often ignorant...but that doesn't mean that I think i'm better than anyone. It just means I've learned confronting ignorance directly is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Some people take it upon themselves to try and educate those who they feel are ignorant but I don't feel that it is my place, so I reserve myself around those who act that way. I may be wrong but I whole heartedly beleive Life is the best teacher for that kind of Ignorance I experience at Northwestern. Why? because instead of trying to be above someone and try to teach them about privilege and social status....I realize that being completely surrounded by the circumstance themselves will give them no other choice but to see the pov of someone else.

I love Northwestern though its honestly given me exposure to a world thats so much bigger than Augusta GA. And to anyone who's ever thought that I see myself as being above them or NU, take the time to talk to me, its a good chance that are missunderstanding is just another road that less maintained.