Lovely Day

I had a few of my younger friends ask me what was it like to be in love. Like how do you know. Defining how it feels to be in love is difficult with words so I could only use experiences. The first story I used to tell was about my first love and how I bought some cookies randomly at burger king one day. I remember when I was rummaging through the bag for my whopper I ran across some chocolate chip cookies. I saw the cookies and immediately realized that I didn't buy the cookies for me, I had bought them for my girl without even thinking about it. I said this must be love.

After my previous relationship though I experienced the most pure revelation that I was in love. I'm a person who is generally in a stoic mood in the morning. I'm not really a morning person at all. At this particular moment in my life mornings were terrible. I was having headaches and waking up in very depressed moods. When my girl would stay with me though and I woke up in the morning to see her laying there sleeping peacefully, feelings of comfort and purpose would wash over me. The day didn't seem as daunting. Despite how miserable I was in the position I was in at that moment in life, the love I felt for her in those moments while she slept gave me peace.

I think those are the tale-tale moments when your in love with someone. When you look at them and it brings peace to your heart and mind. Because they are with you, your soul is at ease. Honestly even though that relationship has passed I still think back to those moments when I would gaze at her before I would struggle to roll out the bed. I still feel that peace. Moments like that remind me of how powerful the bond between two people can be.

So if your ever wondering if your really in love. The answer lies in the quiet moments.

Being In Love

Some of my random thoughts on love:

It's interesting because most my peers at this point in life are so anti falling in love. The ironic thing most of my peers are in love. It doesn't take being involved romantically with someone to be in love. You can fall in love with music, your job, writing, food etc. Love is a bond, a connection, an unquenchable thirst to be involved with whatever the object of your desire is. It still leads to the same actions. The difference is it's a lot easier for a significant other to break your heart than music.

I truly believe as we live our lives that we are motivated by the things we love. We'll work a 9-5 to pay the bills but we'll spend all night in the studio doing what we love.

The thing about loving another person is that is people are unpredictable to an extent. And once love for another person starts to leak into your motivations, it can change the course of your life if your not careful.

But being in love with anything changes you. You see what you love in everything you do. Every situation in my life I can think of a song that goes with it. My love for music infiltrates every aspect of my life. Music is always playing in my apartment and it matches my mood as well. Music lives in my soul.

That's what being in love is. Allowing something or someone to live in your soul. And once it's in your soul, its with you everywhere you go. Sometimes that love can haunt you if you didn't do right by it. Sometimes that love can be the one light in your soul when all the chips are down. It just depends on how u deal with it.

I have a lot of love in my soul. And lately I've been adjusting to living with it. Because everyday I would love to wake up and perform comedy. But I can't, not yet. And that eats me up because I love comedy. But I had to learn to live with the pain, and use it to motivate me to one day do what I love everyday. We can't always have what we love, so we have to cherish it when we have it and work hard to earn the moments when we can be with our love again. Rather its a something or someone, Never give up on what you love.

One of the true indicators of true and unconditional love is patience. And when you really think about it, time and patience are always the best solutions when dealing with the frustrations love can present. Love takes time, it's like life in that's a marathon. It's something that requires endurance. So pace yourself with what you love. The reward is in what you put into it, because honestly your just investing in yourself.

Slim Khalifa

Now if you've met then there are three things you immediately notice about my appearance.

1. I'm Skinny
2. I look very young
3. My feet

Now I like to think of these three factors as the perfect formula for man that knows his way around the sheets. But since no one can admit to that when they first meet me, we have to start with the jokes. And Everybody got Skinny jokes. Lord forbid I make a fat joke though. I like being skinny though. Some women claim they a dude with some meat on they bones. But trust me, they just like MEAT! The rest is extra.

One thing about women is that they may know what they like, but something new can always sweep them off their feet. I'm glad you know what you like, but I got something new for you.

Word I also have several face look a likes or dopplegangers. Slim from 112, Wiz Khalifa, Rapheal Sadiiq. (All skinny well not Slim so much anymore) But yeah so thanks to my homeboi we've come up with a nickname to cover all the look a like bases! Slim Khalifa! I mentioned it few times and it stuck with people. I think its funny. So Imma ride with it.

Last night I got the $hit roasted out my ass. It was really a slaughter. I was in the clouds and these two chicks found out I was comedian and it was over from that point. I love it when people roast me, cause I'm cocky and no matter what a female says bout my big feet, slim frame, jumbo lips or young looks that mean you really just notice it and your imagination is already working out the freaky possibilities.

I love a woman that can make me laugh. Especially at my expense. You know some chicks make jokes for attention but their so insecure I fire back and break they whole self esteem down. I like the chicks that fire right back.

So if you take anything away from post Slim Khalifa. Bedroom Bully. And I rock Smedium shirts with size 12.5 shoe!

Beef It Up

Due to the fact we don't have any furniture in our living room. I'm often in the middle of it dancing. If you know me and my ole two step, get on good foot, walk it out ass, you know I'm always dancing. Anyway since I been back in the Atlanta I done came up on a new favorite dance. So here's the deal if you are reading this post...You gotta check out the youtube video and you gotta beef it up. Especially if you read all these deep ass posts I've been posting You should treat yourself to good Beef it up session. The best part is you got a new dance for the club and the shower. Especially my midwest people I know yall ain't up on this yet. Don't say I ain't never show you thing or two.

Or Maybe I'm Just Growing Up

Lately in my head i've been struggling with a lot of questions about what I'm doing with my life. I've been trying to develop short term and long term goals to shape and structure my ambition. One of my recent problems was I reacting to life. Living from moment to moment without any true personal goals. Eventually I had to stop and ask myself who and what I was living for. I have the opportunity to do so much more in life if I just focus. But as I've been thinking throgh all this stuff I've realized alot about how different my life is from I last felt I had a firm grasp on my future which was when I was 18 and heading to college. So here are the main struggles i've been facing.

The things I used to do just don't entertain me like they used to. Things have gotten old to me in a lot ways. I struggle to find the same satisfaction in activities that used to take so much of my time. Honestly I don't find inspiration in same places either. Have I changed? I have to ask myself. Or maybe I'm just growing up.

All my relationships have gotten more complicated. Nothing has a simple answer anymore. My actions results in a variety of consequences. My goals are not as easy to attain. Many times Its not even clear to me what I want.

It used to be that I could I easily find the solutions to the challenges I face in life, but lately I feel like all my solutions just lead to another problem. Especially with my relationships with people. I can give my friends the best advice in the world. But when it comes to my life I have no clue what to do.

My dad told me that I really need to think about rather I'm setting unrealistic goals for myself at this point in my life. And the truth is, I am. I've accomplished a lot but haven't really felt any sense of satisfaction for a while now. It's just my dreams are so big. And sometimes I can't sleep at night because of all the ideas swirling around in my head. My spirit is thirsty for something i'm not providing. The potential is there but not the inspiration. Is that a part of growing up. A constant hunger in your soul for something more. My uncle said my mind is sound but my spirit is wondering right now. It really stuck with me because I used to be so passionate about everything. Yet lately I don't feel that same passion. I'm just constantly In Search of. But I guess I have to realize I'll never be that 18 year old again. I just want that fire back in my soul.

To Be Continued

Whats Good! Life has taken a new direction for our young hero. I've recently relocated to a new city and i'm starting a new job soon. It's crazy thinking how just a month ago I was struggling to decide when to put the pieces in motion to make this move. I literally make moves and when I put my mind to something it happens plain and simple. But enough about that because it's the past and a past i'm eagerly anticipating leaving behind me as soon as possible. I don't advocate running from your problems but sometimes you have to pack all yo *hit and get out of a situation if it isn't working for you.

So as my life takes this new direction I'm hoping I become more consistent with my blogging. Writing is going to be key to me achieving my goals so I have to become really consistent with my writing.

I wasn't intending on sharing a fully thought out post due to the hectic nature of my life at the moment. But as things settle so will my thoughts. I've been doing a lot of traveling lately so I'm taking these days before I start work to truly settle into Atlanta. It takes a while to adjust to a new home and everything. Stories to follow soon.........

Sincerely Chicago

In my college entrance essay I remember writing that "Northwestern was the place I envisioned myself growing into the adult I wanted to be." What I really meant was that Chicago was the place I wanted to be when I became an adult. I really didn't know all that meant or everything that encompassed but I meant it.
5 years later I'm spending my last day in Chicago and I can't help but acknowledge despite my struggles with Chicago, It has made me into the man I am today. The winters were harsh but they made me stronger mentally. The cops harrassed me but It forced me to be more clever than them. The locals had attitudes but I learned how to earn their respect. The city was more expensive but I learned how to manage wealth. The lifestyle was fast but I kept pace and made moves. With every negative experience in Chicago I managed to make an opportunity for growth. Growth into the man I am today.
The first three months here I used to wake up and be so excited to be away from Georgia. Then I spent the next four years anticipating the day I could return home. Now that I sit here less than 24 hours from my return, its a bittersweet feeling that washes over me. I've built a life out here and now I'm leaving it all behind. As an adult Chicago has been all that I've known. I have to acknowledge the huge part it's played in my life. I'm fond of this city regardless of how I liked living here. I hope it continues to prosper and maybe one day one of my children can venture out here to find the knowledge and experience that will mold them into the adults they want to be.
I probably have had enough Chicago for one lifetime but I will miss my life here. I'll miss the woman I fell in love with. I'll miss my friends. I'll miss cruising by Lake Michighan on Lake Shore. I'll miss the skyline and all the parks downtown and throughout the city. I'll miss the 3 24 mexican spots in my neighborhood and all the great food. But now that i'm the man I envisioned 5 years ago, its time to pursue the dreams I had for that man as well. Thanks Chicago for making me into that man.

Ol Skool Music

Now I'm not writing this to bash the new school of music or anything. I love music in every form and genre, even country. But recently I've been going through some heartbreak and the music I've really connected with and that has eased my pain has been Ol skool music. Which got me thinking why? Shouldn't I be able to look towards my contemporary peers in R&B and vibe with them during this time. It turns out I can't. I mean there are few artists I can listen to Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Anthony David. But the number is few and far between. It's like everybody above the age of 25 stopped making music in the 90's.

As I've gotten older my relationships have only gotten more complicated. Which makes sense because so has life. It used to be so simple in High school I just decided I didn't like that person anymore and it was over. But After that, so many other things come into play once your in the real world and trying to manage a relationship. The issues that come between me and recent significant others have been so complicated. And it makes it so much more difficult to manage the break up. Because in the end I've always believed it would of worked if it wasn't for the complications. Some of these difficult issues, include distance, balancing work/life, families, money, other women etc. They can tear you apart from somebody quickly. Life can come between you and the person you love. And in the aftermath you sit back and have to accept that no matter how much you love somebody, life is a bitch and a jealous one at that. Ol Skool music addresses the complicated crossroads between love and live.

When I listen to music nowadays It's really all about what can you do for me, and if your not doing it for me then why am I with you. Or You did me wrong...whoo whoo whoo....But thats not the true spirit of Love. Love is about two souls trying to create harmony, a harmony which should extend to each of your lives. Ol skool music dove deep into the entire experience of love. Check out this Marvin Gaye (Just to Keep You Satisfied) Verse:

Oh and when we, woo, stopped the hands of time
You set my soul on fire, my one desire
Was to love you and think of you with pride
And keep you satisfied, oh baby oh baby
We could not bear the mental strain
Leave you, I laugh at men too
Now you see how much you hurt me
But if you ever need me, I'll be by your side
Though the many happy times we had
Can never really outweigh the bad
Oh I'll never love nobody like I loved you baby

Marvin talks not only about how he felt but how it effected his soul, his life. The love he had for this woman crept into every fiber of his being and every inch of his life. He was simply unhappy, the love he had was destroying him. Love and life can be complicated like that. The other thing is that Marvin exposes himself in this music. It's the good the bad and the ugly. Nobody's perfect even in love.

Today's music is too perfect. Artist don't really expose themselves, like they did in the ol skool. Because its just a song written by somebody else. The lyrics don't mean what they meant to Marvin. I mean listen to Chris Brown's "she ain't you" or Trey Songz "Holla if ya need me" it sounds pretty, but they ain't bout that life. You can almost hear Marvin crying on Just to keep you Satisfied.

I connect with the maturity and honesty of the ol skool music. Somehow the pain I feel is a less heavy because I know somebody felt it too. All the emotions I can't quite articulate I find in Marvin's lyrics. The raw quality of his music, feels like the rawness of my emotion and I just let all the pain flow through my system with the music.

New school music isn't for the lovers, its for the club and young love, cause that real shit will have you belting at the top of your lungs like Marvin:

"Oh I'll never love nobody like I loved you baby"

Love Letters

I used to write love letters every other day in high school. It's like I had this endless stream of words and metaphors for any girl that inspired me. After my first love It became really hard for me to express myself. I stopped writing poetry. I didn't write love letters either. I actually lost interest in being in touch with that side of myself. But it turns out what I lost in that first relationship was so much larger than love letters.

With my most recent relationship failure I began to wonder how difficult am I to love. Actually it made me think how easy am I to hate. I've become this cynical sarcastic shell of my former self. And for so long I blamed it on heartbreak until there it was very clear I had to blame myself. I've worked so hard to be detached from my emotions, I detach myself from those who love me.

So it's back to love letters. I'm getting back in touch with my ability to love purely and openly. Because despite the pain I felt with my first when it all fell apart. The pain of loving someone and them not believing in your love is much worse.

Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages

I'm alone.

The light of dawn is sneaking through my blinds. My sleep seems to last as long as the time it takes to blink my eyes. I haven't eaten a real meal in days. I step out into the crisp spring morning air at 5:30 am, not able to sleep I go for a jog. Hoping maybe I'll run away from the pain. Maybe I'll run back to Georgia. Maybe I'll run until my last breath.......Eventually my body gives out...I collapse against the brick wall. On the other side of the wall lies a cemetary. How ironic. Eventually I gain enough strength to walk home. My bodies exhaustion distracts me from the pain but still

I'm alone

Guess the run didn't do much. With each step I only thought of how deeply I loved her. And with each inhale, I felt her slipping away as I exhaled. The best love I had ever shared with someone was present but our union was the past. And no matter how fast I ran towards my future she wouldn't be in it.

7:00 am guess I'll head to work early. Drown out my pain with work. But work doesn't offer much of an escape. My mind drifts. The toughest part about this loss is the fact that I'm responsible for it. I'm so angry with myself. How'd did I allow it go this far? I'm an intuitive person how did I not see this coming? Why did I do that? But no answer will provide the solution to my problem. Only time. The hours pass, the endorphins from my morning exercise fades away, and I'm left in my cubicle alone with my thoughts. Youtube clips of standup used to make me smile, eventually turn to Jayz Song Cry on Repeat

"Never in bunches, just me and you
I loved your point of view cause you held no punches
Still I left you for months on end
It's been months since I checked back in"


She was my best friend. I never cared much for Chicago but she was my rock, she made it all alright. How did I ever neglect her. Jay must be speaking directly to me. Took the words right out my head and heart. His words remind me of why I loved her. But they also reminded me of how I drove her away


"I understand why you want a divorce now
I can't let you know it, pride wont' let me show it
Pretend to be heroic, that just one to grow with
But deep inside a nigga so sick"

I sit back in my chair at work fighting tears back. Trying to maintain without my coworkers picking up on anything but the lyrics got me exposed. I find myself rushing to the streets to walk and release my stress. As I walk each verse hits a softspot in my heart, and then one lyric stops me dead in my tracks.

"They say you can't turn a bad girl good
But once a good girl's gone bad, she's gone forever
And more forever
Shit I gotta live with the fact I did you wrong forever"

Forever I have to live with the fact that I made the wrong decisions that lead to me losing her. The irony is when I started dating her I just wanted to give her the love and passion I felt she deserved. I wanted to love her better than anybody did before. But now I"m just left with this powerful love, that's turned on me for neglecting the object of it's affection.

"Its fucked up girl"

I love hard and I love deeply. I dont' really rap, I used to do poetry in high school to ease the pain. So instead of expressing my feelings musically. I'll just scribble my thoughts on blank pages in an effort to fill the void. I'm sure I'll be ok one day. But now all I see are sleepless nights and drowsy days. Empty Hearts and Loaded Pages.

Trials of a Know it All

I'm always accused of being a "Know it All". I know I can be guilty of this so I'm going to share some stories on this blog that were lessons in humility.

One summer during high school I attended Florida Agricultural and Mechanical University for a summer program. I was really conflicted about attending the program because at the time I was in a relationship. Even deeper than that It was my first love, so I was really stuck on staying home. I talked about it with my girlfriend and we agreed we wouldn't let the distance come between us. This was my first true relationship and I didn't think ANYthing could pull me from the commitment I shared with my girlfriend.

I was wrong.

Now I'm a guy who rarely gets the girl that catches everyone attention when she walks in the room. You know the type of woman that every dude snaps his neck around to catch a second view of. So when Nia (name change) stepped into breakfast on our first day of the summer program, I saw her, I pointed her out to my new found boyz, and I made a few comments about how my girl was just as bad then went back to focusing on food. I didn't think anything would come of it. So when she sat down at our table directly across from me, I have to admit I was little caught off guard. But I played it cool. I had a girl and no way she was interested in me.

The conversation we had was crazy. We cliqued right off top. We had similar if not shared interests in the same books, movies, music, dreams...etc. I knew instantly this would be my home girl for the rest of the summer. I felt mutual attraction but adolescent insecurities wouldn't allow me admit it.

The summer dragged on. Every night I spent on the phone talking to my girlfriend. I used to walk around singing Dru Hill 1st album all day. I even mailed HER a care package and I was the one away from home. I was SPRUNG. I just knew I wouldn't cheat on her. I actually promised myself I wouldn't. It meant a lot to me to be faithful. Plain and simple I thought I wouldn't cheat because I was in love.

I couldn't let my 1st true love be tarnished by cheating...

But as time passed I knew the connection with Nia was getting really deep. She was on my brain just as much as my girlfriend. I even caught myself about to call my girlfriend Nia on the phone. I had crazy internal conflict about what was going on but mostly I just denied it was serious. Even though the sexual attraction was swelling up inside us and every moment we spent together felt like it could explode at any moment . And then it did.....

I competed in this pageant that the summer program hosted (Mr. RIMS 2004, FYI!) and I WON! After the pageant was always a party and of course this is the party that had been hyped up all summer. So everybody was in their freshest attire. Because I won their were a few perks
for me so I partied like a king that night! I noticed after an hour at the party I hadn't seen Nia. I asked my homeboy where she was and he told " She been waiting for you all night". I was like What? quit playing. But sure enough when he pointed out a row of chairs on the wall, there she was, looking pretty damn good to be on the sideline. So I sat down with her for a while then she asked to dance. As we danced, it felt like everyone else disappeared and we were in own world. (And this was before I drank liquor so you know we was really vibin!) At one point I leaned in to ask her a question but she went left instead of right and...

WE KISSED!

The first one was an accident but the rest of the makeout session was not. After the party we went to our dorms. I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened. We continued hooking up for the next few weeks but each time we did something it was eating me up inside. I never imagined I would cheat on my girl, I definitely didn't think it would be consistent. My feeling for my girl never wavered but my feelings for Nia kept growing. Eventually I drove myself crazy enough that I had to stop talking to Nia for the rest of the program. At the end of the summer we got to go to Dallas and we briefly reconnected. A slow dance at the W hotel. But other than that I severed all ties with her for fear of damaging my relationship with my first.

Before we left Nia gave me this note. In the letter she told me about the amazing connection that she felt we had and how she had a man but nothing could keep her from me.

We both struggled to stay away from each other but the connection we shared kept pulling us back together.

I learned a very valuable lesson from that experience. Even though I thought I would never cheat, I had to accept that there is so much for me to learn about what qualities attract me to a woman. I tried to deny how I felt about Nia but the truth eventually came to light and when it did it was difficult to control. I thought I knew everything there was to know about how to be the best boyfriend possible but... I didn't. I just knew it would be easy to be faithful but... I wasn't. I'm never the guy that gets the baddest chick in the room but that summer... I was.

White "Privileged " rappers

I have nothing against white rappers. I actually really appreciate and support the music Yelawolf produces but he’s the exception and not the rule. Music is an art form and so it’s really impossible to claim it as a black thing. It was birthed from our culture but as children do, hip hop went its own way. So I’m open to any artist that expresses themselves through quality music. The keyword is Quality. But I truly believe what gives an artist that “it” factor is the passion they have for what they do. That was one of the first things that made me fall in love with Hip-hop, rappers were so passionate about their music. So any white rapper that is passionate about his music and it comes through in his work I’m usually a fan of.

BUT here’s why I don’t usually vibe with white rappers.

When our children look back on Hip Hop it will tell story of black men during our era. And it won’t just tell a story about one black man. No Hip hop over the past few decades has presented artists who tell the story of every type of black man that’s live during this time. Some of us were gangstas, politicians, potheads, revolutionaries, moguls, models, martyrs etc. the list goes on. And many of your favorite rappers fits into several of those roles. Hip Hop connects us with their journey’s. Hip hop music tells us not just who the black man was but how he came to be who he was. Listening to Ready to Die, Illmatic, or Reasonable Doubt, you’ll come across plenty of stories that show success, failure, redemption etc. You receive a very intimate and detailed account of what being a black man in America is like through Hip Hop. I relate to these stories because so many of the challenges they face, I faced as well. Hip Hop was and still is (for now) my story. Hip Hop was more than just a leisurely activity or something that intrigued me. When times get rough Hip Hop had the words when I couldn’t speak, Hip Hop gave me ideas when I couldn’t think, Hip Hop inspired me when I was losing hope. Black men providing hope for other black men is one of the most beautiful things about Hip Hop. I really believe all hip hop heads are truly connected through this bond.

Which brings me to the white rapper. And maybe I should find a better adjective than white because I’m not talking about Eminem. I’m referring to the white rappers who do it just because. I find it hard to become fans of rappers who came into Hip hop because it sparked their curiosity or it was a way to rebel or to make money. Hip Hop isn’t an opportunity to bring people together for them. White rappers who throw their money and status to gain notoriety in the business. Their not telling stories, or really bringing anything substantial to the art form. And that really turns me off to their music because Hip Hop has offered me so much substance in my life. Some people will say well Gucci Mane doesn’t bring substance to the music. This is true, but there are black men who he represents and more importantly Hip hop is all he has. You may not like Gucci’s music but you have to respect the way he put everything into this art form.

The white rapper has plenty of other options besides rap.

Outside of the plight of the black male, Hip Hop music also has soul. I want to feel my music. I want my music to give me chills, shed tears, and make me laugh. I want to hear the soul of the artist in Hip Hop. Hip Hop has been the voice of the black male for so long. When society didn’t give a damn we could always lean on Hip Hip, to provide the voices of blacks males through the various struggles we’ve faced. White rappers definitely don’t provide any soul because when they want to say something, they don’t need Hip Hop to be heard.

Now I have nothing against white rappers, but this is why I’m not a fan of their music.

Let’s Discuss…..

Preferences

Somebody asked me the other day did I like light skin girls more than dark skin girls. I hate that question because it implies prejudice on an issue that is preference. I like pretty girls over ugly girls. Thats my preference. But I'll kick it ugly girls all day. I'll even admit I've slipped up and kicked it too hard with some ugly girls. But I definitely didn't PREFER too. Hey I may judge her on the content of her character, but that don't mean i can't personally determine if she is attractive.

Everybody has their preferences of what they like. But rather than being so stuck on why some one doesn't prefer you, Pick someone else. They can't possible be that important if you two haven't got past the superficial stage of a relationship where physical appearance is the determining factor.

People have a real problem admitting they have dating preferences. No one is open to anything and everyone has patterns. It's easy to fall into dating the same type of people. There is a comfort that goes into it. But I always looked at relationships as personal growth opportunities. Finding someone who challenges me to be better. Relationships don't teach you, its the people you have relations with.

I say this to encourage people to date outside their comfort zones.

1. So my twitter feed can consist of less niggas ain't shit (no you prefer ain't shit niggas)

2. Because having an open heart and mind will attract someone with one as well.

As for preferences, either let it go or show a quality they prefer over physical appearance.

Waiting

Today I'm still waiting for the paycheck that was issued to me on January 14th but still hasn't reached my hands. I'm quite upset about it because uncertainty and money don't add up to reasonable decisions. Its one of those checks you really need too. So as you can imagine I'm angry enough to get real rude (to say the least). You know how you can think about a check all day long. Anyway it got me thinking about expectations. Like they EXPECT me to be to work on the first day on time and looking all spiffy. But I can't EXPECT to get paid on time. They EXPECT me be serious and dedicated to my work. But I can't EXPECT them to not play with my money. All I know is anything They EXPECTING too much as long I'm EXPECTING my check.

I wanted to this kick this blog back off with a really deep post but this check has been on my mind for the past five days. Spend all day thinking about cracking the mailbox open, and I get home and it's empty. Don't ever let anybody put your money in the mail. I never been a fan of several strangers touching my money before I do. Direct Deposit, Paypal, Cut a check or cold hard cash is allllllll good with me. But don't put no money in the mail because casually telling me when the money I worked for is in a place I can't get to until someone else decides to deliver it to me.......Is a recipe for pissing me off.

And ever time I find myself talking about it, It turns into threats. Cause you can't talk about missing money and not wanna whoop some ass. Everybody know that nigga that will fight over fifty cents (fyi 3 out of every 4 black folks is that person). You know when you save that last piece of cake you get home and somebody else eating it! Thats right! you wanna Bust that ASS... Same thing when money come up funny....

But real talk I need to calm down. Its really sad to think I won't let people make me angry because i don't want them to control me. But I'll easily succumb to the temptations of money.

The true lesson in all of this is, If you want your patience to really be tested Let somebody fuck with your money. Money comes and goes and learning to accept its nature provides you with the patience to endure in it's absence and the strength to focus in it's presence.

Patient but I still don't play about my money

Music

I'm sitting here listening to this Etta James song "A Sunday Kind of Love". Smooth and Honest piece of music. It amazes me how I can connect with a person in a moment that they had decades ago. Music does that. For a brief moment in time your completely captured by someone's voice, instrument, or verse. You understand what they say, you feel how they felt (or feel) and it inspires you. The melody and words provide comfort because now someone understands.

This is why I love music. What's there not to love. Music brings people together and keeps them there. You ain't going to no party without music, or any ceremony. It just seems like the event is empty and dry. Music may be in the background but it provides a comfort that can't be matched.

The weekend for the ages..

So this was an incredibly interesting weekend. I'm going to just briefly talk about the events that transpired and give my little two pieces.

First of Serena Williams goes off on that line judge for a foot fault that caused her the match at the US Open. Now I personally don't know what was said and if you aren't Serena Williams or the line judge you don't know what was said. So it's really some bull that all these people are really questioning her legacy. Sports are competitive, they get the blood flowing and in a situation where the game is on the line of course Serena spoke with some authority. Lets be real though, when a black women or men gets frustrated and expresses it, they automatically are threatening. Point. Blank. Period. I'm pretty sure that line judge has had some white folks talking out they ass about something and yet when Serena does it, it becomes a major headline and people began to question her legacy. She is human, she lost her mental edge, she lost the game...Her legacy is still incredible. The line judge couldn't have fit the stereotype better for the lil old frightened lady crying wolf on the big black person....

Next Kanye.....Well u all know what Kanye did, and it was hilarious in my opinion and this is why. First of all Kanye does this attention grabbing, fuck "THE MAN" type shit all the time. Kanye has always used the VMA's as a publicity tool. Kanye obviously does not give an effff about the VMA's and who really does. Its a cool event for the fans, but who the fuck defines their career about a VMA. Matter of fact if you are reading, Name four award categories or name the people who won them. Last time I checked the Rock and Roll hall of fame doesn't tabulate VMA awards. The VMA is a award show based on publicity for its entertainers and a way for MTV to get some ratings. Jay-z and Flo-Rida were nominated in the same category...wtf! VMA is about as useful an indicator for talent, as winning a karoake contest. Its entertaining to watch but its has no substance. Which brings to my point about Kanye, he doesn't seriously respect the VMAs, so he felt free enough to walk up on stage and say and do what the fuck he felt like doing. Now Taylor Swift deserves an apology, he didn't have to step in on her time, but had it been during another moment in the show I could have gave two f$#^....For reall... Its all about publicity...Somebody's making money off of this and its prolly Taylor Swift, Beyonce, MTV and yes....KANYE fawkin WEST. People need to stop acting surprised, Kanye has rarely acted like he has any more tact or emotional restraint then a child, especially concerning the VMAs...its nothing new people.

It could also have been staged, but even if it was, it would require the same asswhole mentally to actually do. Also who would orchestrate for a white woman to be upstaged by a black man to give props to a black woman...seems HIGHLY unlikely....but then again my president is BLACK!! LOL!

Michael Jordan is the best that ever played. He was inducted in the hall of fame and It was an incredible moment in black and American history. His will and work ethic will inspire not just basketball players but anyone working to be the best at what they do for generations to come. He exemplified in every way what it takes to be the best.

And finally Jay-z did a live benefit concert for the NYPD and NYFD. Crazy after all the trouble they put him through, he ends up helping them out. Maybe now, if he is ever confronted by the NYPD, he can make slight movements before getting shot fifty times or beat to within an inch of his life. But as far as the concert was concerned I saw it on FuzeHD, it was amazing but a few things...Mary J Blige is too old be singing all this catch a man cause i'm sexy shit...She need to sit down, and start singing some old school music, cause she's old school now. Beyonce's performance was just intimidating. WAY too much attitude.....diva is the definition of a thug ass Beyonce. Oh yeah Kanye did a few songs...He definitely acted like a damn grownup, why wouldn't he? A Jay-z concert is way more serious than the VMA's.


Holla!

Above Northwestern

I feel like a social pariah at Northwestern. Take note that I didn't say that I AM a social pariah, but I am not. But the feeling that I am is more important to me. It's obvious that I don't share similar backgrounds with most of the students, and that I'm also a rare commidity because i'm a black male thats not an athelete. These two factors do play a big role in the reason I feel that way. But its not the only reasons.

I think Northwestern is place full of ambitious driven individuals. When I use those adjectives I'm sure a host of positive associations come to mind. But those attributes have their drawbacks, which contribute to my feelings of being an outkast. So I'll list the ones that don't work for me.

Northwestern students are so driven it seems personal relationships fall by the wayside. I can count on one hand the people I could contact if I really needed something and they would be able to help. Now I can count on prolly all my fingers and toes the people that would want to help, but because of their rigourous pursuit of excellence they would let my need fall to the way side. Its all to common to have friends miss lunches, dinners, hangouts, parties, birthdays...and all that good stuff, because they are busy. Now I'm usually cool with it because I understand the urge to acheive at high levels but its still really difficult to maintain strong relationships with friends. Now I really value relationships because when I die, all the riches (and their will be plenty ;) won't matter to me. What will matter to me will be the relationships I have in life and the experiences that I can look back on, and if I'm really blessed hopefully both of those will work together.

Northwestern students have a different lens through which they view the world. I too see the world through this lens, but through many others as well because I've seen many of the roads that can be taken in life. Believe me "The road less traveled" is reallly just road that is less maintained and the many people that do travel it don't have a choice at the fork. So many Northwestern students have this intellgience that blinds them from being able to accept the harsh realities that so many other individuals are forced to deal with everyday. I withdraw from people with these attitudes which in turn has me seen in this light where I've been told that I think i'm Above Northwestern. Now I don't think i'm above Northwestern nor do I think i'm above students who are sheltered, privileged, spoiled, closeminded etc. I respect those individuals for their point of view and I realized that their blessed to be able to live that way. I do believe that I see and interact with the world on a different level. I do believe I can see situations from several points of view. And yes I do avoid interactions with ignorance and alot of times the sheltered point of view is often ignorant...but that doesn't mean that I think i'm better than anyone. It just means I've learned confronting ignorance directly is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Some people take it upon themselves to try and educate those who they feel are ignorant but I don't feel that it is my place, so I reserve myself around those who act that way. I may be wrong but I whole heartedly beleive Life is the best teacher for that kind of Ignorance I experience at Northwestern. Why? because instead of trying to be above someone and try to teach them about privilege and social status....I realize that being completely surrounded by the circumstance themselves will give them no other choice but to see the pov of someone else.

I love Northwestern though its honestly given me exposure to a world thats so much bigger than Augusta GA. And to anyone who's ever thought that I see myself as being above them or NU, take the time to talk to me, its a good chance that are missunderstanding is just another road that less maintained.

Why I don't Blog

So I used to have a blog. It was like a good five to seven years ago. It was webpage called open diary dot com, which as I mention now is kinda of soft. Anyway I updated it everynow and again to express my thoughts and feelings. Its amazing to me lookin back over those entries how different my priorities are from then. Especially the way I interacted with women. Definitely some things I miss but most of it I'm glad I grew out of.

Now the blog was completely based on my attempt to connect with women through expressing this poetic emotional side that I thought would seperate me from most of my male peers. Now my ability to display deep analyitical thought was very cool to me. But all the mushiness....well lets just say that was not the move....

Anyway I guess I always associated bloggin with the emotional sappiness of open diary.

Blogs are also really tricky because their really open, and I'm a person who self edits constantly. Unless ur close to me then I speak with unhibited candor about any random topic that manifests its self in my mind.

And so now the reason I've decided to blog. Honestly some time ago I realized I'm holding myself back from reachin my full potential by not fully expressing myself with people. I really feel like its this gift to communicate with people that i'm not using...So bloggin is just one of the many tools i'm using to coerce this potential into manifesting it's self. We'll see....Hate to let a decent brain go to waste....

So u gonna shoot me

Hey Girls, all you pretty girls out there...Lets have a chat...I love women....and I know that in time you will all come to love me...if you don't already. But from time to time on this blog...Im gonna have to say somethings you might not appreciate...Its ok...I still love yall.

So right now I want to address this idea of relationships and sex. Its a very well known fact that all men want sex. So ofcourse in the back of my mind i'm always thinking about sex. Thats just how it is. But just because I want to have sex with you doesn't mean that desire overrules my logic or thought...now for some men and teen males this is very possible. But at a certain age, men realize sex comes at a cost, and we have to evaluate the cost before we check out the product you dig. So all you chicks out there that be too busy trying to regulate your pussy, instead of just chillin and being cool...don't be mad when I dude doesn't waste anytime investing in anything other than what your drawing all the attention to in the first place.

Hope that made sense...

Network

Networking is very important. The saying is its not what you know but who you know. Thats funny, cause i'm pretty damn sure that scholarships, loans, and all my personal finances for the past three years have been invested in this damn degree that is measure of how much I KNOW. If networking is really the key to suscess, then why the hell don't i spend all my time on facebook, and twitter meeting as many people as possible. Or being a door to door salesperson, or a starbucks barista...they meet alot people.

Now i'm not hating on college. I think its an incredibly critical socialization tool, but the most valuable lessons I've learned have been outside the classroom. Plus it's soooo frustrating when I talk to professors and counselors about my future and they ask me who do I know. WTF, I KNOW YOU and your supposed to impart knowledge on me that puts me in place to reach my future goals. If who I knew was supposed to give me access to all my future goals, why would I be wasting my time talking to you....oh wait thats right..cause u work for some university that charges us a shitload of money to research random ass shit, even if you can't or don't care to teach or invest in my future.

Beyond wack professors, my networking skills are poor. I hate to pester people and I really like to do things on my own, which works against networking...why because people are so damn agressive these days. Some people view calling them eight times as dedication...I see that shit as annoying and I just know there is a better way to communicate with people than constantly shoving something down their throats until their so annoyed they decide to give you whatever they want.

Also I've realized that i'm building a network from the ground up. Northwestern is definitely improving my network...but damn...so many kids came in with these well established networks....Imma break in though...I've already began. but..its frustrating trying to....

Inspiration for this post. All the people with cake as summer jobs based off their network...maybe i should learn how to more of an aggressive asshole...that might help...